jeLLy w0RLd

weeping me...

seeing mother coughing badly again as well as her panting heavily. my heart wrenched. could feel the pricking sensation on my heart, which must be bleeding profusely internally.

yesterday, Nurse Debra from the hospice came. as usual, basic checking on mum's blood pressure and asking if any discomfort.

from Debra's last visit, mum was suffering toothache and water retention on her left leg. these dragged on till now. Debra's instinct that the cancerous cells might have travelled that eventually incurred her left sore gum and left leg. all bcoz her left lung is infectious.

upon hearing those, i wasnt at all smiling. more of in daze while watching tv or babysitting. i was tearing. again. feeling weak. again. helpless.

i keep both ears on high for her calls from the room. however, i was too engrossed with the tv and failed to respond on the dot. i dashed into the room, listening to her nags for being deaf. it was my fault. i'm sorry.

so, the act-smart me came up with a brilliant idea. as the bed frame is metal, i asked her to use her comb/ointment to hit on the frame so as to alert me easily. we even had a test. eventually, i somehow mistook that it was ying playing with her toys! and i ignored it.

till, mum yelled and hit umpteen times, i then dashed into the room.

now, wondering if i had do enough for her. i was bewitched by the tv, esp discovery channel. so, had the tv on in the living while mum is in her room, lying on the bed most of the times.

i've been telling her to step out into the hall. for a change of environment. but, she jus didnt want to move and shoo me off.

i'm lost in playing soft.

i tried not to be harsh as i used to be, when i always yelled at her for nagging at me.

ppl say "cry out loud if u want to. it might make u feel better." i wanted to make myself feel better and move on to play soft. but, i jus couldnt shed a tear.

today, my tears flowed down uncontrollably, even when i was talking to her.

she didnt finish the guava that i bought especially for her. not even taking the chicken soup that i asked da-sao to cook. but, she would order me to cook oatmeal, brew milo, bring warm water, massage. and, she asked me for sweets twice. bcoz she couldnt swallow her pills and tasted the bitterness of it.

it speared my heart again. i wept. i curbed my sore voice. not letting her to know that i am crying. i kept speaking to her in my joyful pitch. then, i would run to hide in er-ge's room crying...

friends' encouragements over the phone/sms/msn, telling me "not to worry. everything will be fine. be optimistic." the usual lines are not taking effect anymore. i am immuned.

tell me what else can i do for her?

mum has an urgently arranged appt tml morn @10am. she would like to have ipoh hor-fun for breakfast. and, i'm gonna wake up early, drive to HG and nail that down for her.

i'm feeling more worried minute by minute.

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm