jeLLy w0RLd

not a happy cny...

yesterday, mum's doc appt @ttsh. oncology @11am. renal @3pm. ttsh was damn crowded. never seen it packed with soo many ppl before. all seats at the waiting room are filled with ppl. it's cny season lei...!
we were 45min late for oncology. didnt expect ta to happen actually. bcoz was out in HG for breakfast, marketing and q-ing for new plastic $2 notes at UOB. never realise time passes soo fast. got home @1030 already. had a quick shower and dashed out.

doc jus stepped outta clinic when we registered. so, nurse had to page him back. mum, as usual, grumpy abt doc's disappearance.
Dr. Arif Alam. it isnt Dr. Wenson Hsieh from last consultation. Dr. Arif who i met his eyes at the corridor while we were heading towards the clinic. he is the one who i 1st talked with abt mum's condition. and since then, i never liked his way of consultation. DEAD FACE. EXPRESSIONLESS. MONOTONOUS. ROBOTIC SPEECH. which didnt make any effort on portraying any sense of confidence for me ta i could leave my mum under his care.
after listening to his monotonous yakking, he arranged an x-ray for mum. and to come back an hour later with the film.
x-raying and collecting the film in less than an hour. so, we hurried back to that robotic doc. the act smart me stuff the film into the tray jus outside the room. waited for 20min. no one walked in nor outta tat room. then, i realised it's empty! everyone left for lunch.
HAIZ... another round of fruitless waiting. probably bcoz we were late for the appt earlier, therefore, it's payback time.
back to the waiting area after lunch... a lady doc walked into that consultation room. same belonging as that robot, john hopkins international medical. well, she's far better than him. she showed her concern. and listened to all mum's complaints patiently which i had to convey in english. friendly. smiling. warm-blooded.
her name is judith sth. cant remember.

enough of comparisons, verdict of the day...
mum has to be admit. best if as soon as possible which was yesterday. the fluid is back. whole of her left lung shown white on the film. that's why she has been panting and coughing soo badly these days. the fluid has to be withdrawn again.
considering cny is approaching this weekend, i definitely wouldnt want her to have her reunion dinner at the hospital. finally, negotiated till ta i'll bring her in on the 5th day of cny, that is, 2feb. once again, seeing mum with her depressed expression.
however, there isnt any available bed on 2feb admittance. only available from 9th! that's too far. she might not be able to withstand till that day. no choice loh. i cant make a bed booking. i would only hav to bring her in to the A&E. which might take some time(hopefully not too long) while waiting for consultation before landing a bed.
why? it's cny! ppl should be planning to go home then spending in hospital. a bedding officer said, "it's worse during this period. bcoz here is a DUMPING SITE."
sad, isnt it? singapore's economy bringing ppl to be less loving/filial? i guess, those well-to-do ppl could be sending their elders to hospital/hospice, while they could go happy without thinking of these helpless sickly elders. leaving them occupying the hospital beds which are in need to others.

next round at renal. when i told Dr. Adrian Liew abt mum's condition, he was shocked. probably bcoz mum was admitted to hospital a week after seeing him. think he never expect ta to happen too. again, mum speaking negatively to Dr. Liew, who tried to cheer her. seeing my pessimistic mum, he referred Palliative Care, a support group which encourages terminal sickly patients to live on. but, there wont be anymore consultation with him. he considered mum's case as "discharged" due to her current illness. hmm... do i still hav a chance in seeing this hunk doc again?

lastly, we collected that pill, IRESSA. an oral chemo, which helps in controlling the activeness of the tumor. still, that would hav to depend on mum's health, on whether it is taking effect well. took 28tablets costing $3708.32. each costing $132.44. no govt subsidy at all.

this yr's cny is the most depressing one for me. i've been standing alone. seem like no other beings around me available for support. though all welcome me to call them for chat. but with having to dump everything into this blog, no one actually ring me after reading. i am expecting at least a line of encouragment. but just nothing.
am i a breathing living thing to them?
see? i am being selfish again. selfish for not understanding ta other ppl has their own life too. they are not to owe me anything. i cant be expecting something from anyone all the time. this is my own life. she is my mother, not theirs. i shouldnt ask for anything. i shant blame anyone for not being considerate.
also, it's cny season. everyone's in good mood for the hols. they are not supposed to be as depressed as i am.
i knew choo jie jie, mummy celina and other friends who are christian, are praying hard for my mum's recovery esp mummy celina from city harvest. to me, religious means for mum's recovery, is jus hoping for a miracle. it might work. or might get worse. bcoz it has no scientific evidence ta it could cure cancer. if it does, IRESSA wouldnt cost a bomb then!
anyway, thanx soo much for praying. stop bugging me to go for church services bcoz i'm a buddhist. i wont change my religion. i would stay as i am or be a nobody's. nor even as an act of payment for miracle.

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm