jeLLy w0RLd

LOST me. LOST mine. LOST mind...#2

she has left. however, i couldnt accept the fact yet.

though knowing that she has physically left, i would always hav the feeling that she jus stepped outta house for awhile. such situations like she's in hospital and i'm home-sitting, she's out for work/shopping/travelling and would be back for dinner later.

everything happened too fast. it's like a dream. it's like never happened at all. although the funeral took 5days down at the pavilion, i dont feel that it actually had happened.

she was admitted into A&E at 2045 on 4mar. doc took an hour+ to resuscitate her at A&E, wher doc reviewed her condition which damn puzzled me!

doc: how long is the cancer? at what stage?
me: since last nov. now at stage4.
doc: do ya know it's stage4? do u know how critical it is?
me: no. ttsh didnt tell me that it's stage4. i read it from his written notes.
doc: oh? oh. well, stage4 is considered the final stage for cancer. so, we are trying our best to treat her. but, be prepared that she might not pull through tonite.
me: what?! i just brought her to geriatric doc on thurs. that GM doc said her condition is normal and even allowed her to extract her tooth. he even did an ultrasound on her swollen left leg and lung. it's normal!
doc: yes. i've read his notes. oh? oh. her lungs are filled with fluid. right now, she isnt taking any oxygen up to her brain. we injected a tube at her throat to assist her breathing...

~~trashed!~~ what happened? stage4 is the final and yet i didnt know from the oncologists?! not a single soul of ttsh. i read it myself. even cgh docs looked puzzled.

father dialled his sisters who all 4 came waiting with us. and, choo-jie too. we all sat at the waiting area outside ICU, further waiting to see her. when all aunties left, ICU doc then called us in.

doc: she is in very critical condition. not looking good at all. her lungs are filled with fluid and with blood. her kidneys are gone too. u can go in now. try to be with her for last...

OMG! mummy ah~ wake up!! look at me! i've alot of things havent do for u. wake up! i havent hav my dinner! wake up and cook for me! mummy ah~ u cant leave me. wake up and scold me! do u hear me? ying's hands get itchy again! look at her! scold her! wake up! let's go home together now! we havent been to punggol park for morning exercise. let's go there tml and hav ipoh hor fun for breakfast~~

looking at her blankly. tears, at the corners of her half-opened eyes. tubes stuck in her left nostril and her forced-open mouth. she must be in great pain. her pale colored tongue moving by the breathing machine. her face and lips are still white.

doc: sorry. we need to take x-ray for patient. pls wait outside.

mummy~ u wait for me ah. take x-ray 1st hor. we are waiting outside. wake up and we can go home together!~~

then, father called mum's da-sao and family to see her for last. choo-jie, da-ge, er-ge and me sat on the ground and prayed hard for miracle. jus then, i heard sth not pleasing. the noise of iron plates, which always get to watch on ER, that to electricfy on patient's chest.

mummy, u cant go yet! dont let go of ur heart.~~

doc: her heartbeat has stopped 20min ago while we are doing x-ray for her. we hav tried our best.

mummy, look who's here! open ur eyes and look! ~~

touching her hand. face. shaking her shoulders. i felt soo numb. weak. tears dried. fell onto my knees. she's not breathing. straight line shown on the monitor above. everything has came to a full stop. it's the end...

doc (to da-ge): pls call for ur undertaker while we will remove all the tubes and wheel her to a private room wher u could do prayers for her. let me know when ur undertaker is here so that i could bring her to basement.

it's the end. she's gone already. gone liao. and we are bringing her lifeless body back home...

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm