jeLLy w0RLd

LOST me. LOST mine. LOST mind...

she left us on 5th mar 06, sunday, 0142hr at changi general hospital ICU. ward34. rm16.

it all happened on saturday nite, 8pm. everything is so usual, so normal.

i was sitting with her on her bed. watching chU zhou ri ba dian dang (jacky go go go) which aired from 7.30pm. as usual, she didnt put on her glasses as she always thought that putting on glasses more frequently would eventually worsen the eyesight.

father came home when the show started. he walked into the bedroom to hav a little chat with her. asking if she's eating well or feeling any discomfort. as usual, mum's reply is harsh. "it's never be any good lah!"

then, father stepped out for his dinner. while she and i sat on the bed, she pestered me to grab my dinner. i answered that i'll get it at the next commercial slot.

~~ XX commercial XX ~~

i got up. abt to make another step towards the door. she stopped me. "i want to go toilet."

as usual, i would feel embarrassed whenever to hold her to the toilet or to clean her naked body. i, bay kam wan + embarrassement, held her weakly left arm towards the toilet.

she sat heavily on the top with a thud!

me: "slowly. relax. take your time. dont hav to rush."
she: "dunno if i could pang sai."
me: "try if you can. dont have to force yourself."

i passed her some tissue. held her up to stand while i pulled up her undergarment. opened the sliding door. one foot out onto the mat.

she: "yun. (giddy, in mandarin)"
me: "ok. slowly let me move you to the bed."

her butts were slightly on the edge of the bed. her body fell on her right. i called out to her. pulled her up. she muttered "er...". she drooled.

i thought she wanted to vomit. so, i wiped her mouth with a towel. but, no puke.

she muttered "er..." again.

then, i realised her eyes were staring straight and fell uncontrollably on her right cheek.

i panicked! yelled father, who was sitting at the dining table, rushed in. er-ge dialled for ambulance. da-sao with ying and er-ge rushed in after. da-ge who was at the door, just turning his keys at the lock.

everyone's present in front of her. everyone yelled at her. to open her eyes and to look at us, watching fei yuching on telly.

fearing that her heart would stop, i kept hitting on her chest. applied medicated oil on her temples and on her nostrils. seeing her not catching any breath though had connected the nasal cannula, i gav her 2mouthful of air by mouth.

her head kept falling down to her chin. we pryed opened her lower jaw, not wanting her to bite on her tongue accidentally. we continued calling out to her. her eyes were half-opened; stared straight and were not moving left or right. then, her supposed redness and pimple-ly faced, as the side-effects of the oral chemo - iressa, turned purple. her lips were white.

me (in hokkien): "cannot liao. mummy's face turned black liao."

i rushed out to fridge, grabbed a handful of sugarless sweets that i bought @TTSH 2days ago. i placed it in her left palm. calling her to grab. but she just let go. those sweets fell onto the floor...

yet, of soo much yelling and pacifying. WHERE IS THE AMBULANCE?

time: 2015. er-ge make the 1st dial at 2005.

angered me, i dialled. it was on busy tone, thanking me to wait patiently for available operator! WTF?!

dialled again. "my men are on the expressway already. there are a lot of assignments tonite."

da-sao carrying ying were downstairs, looking out for the sight of ambulance. the barefooted me dashed downstairs too.

nothing! no siren!

time: 2025. dialled 2nd time on my hp. "sengkang. rivervale drive. block 193, right? we are on the way. will be there any minute."

finally, seeing one turning in. no siren still. no lights. i ran towards them, waved my arms up high. the 2 calm-looking paramedics just looked stupidly calm. yeah. if they looked as nervous like me, i might be doubting their professionalism more.

i wasnt in the room when they lifted mum onto the stretcher. i was grabbing her hospice medical file and medicine bag.

seeing mum's half opened eyes, her relaxed neck lets her head fell outta the stretcher. that rookie paramedic pushing the stretcher towards the lift though we yelled that rookie to look out for her head! nothing processed into his pea brain eventually.

hopped onto the ambulance, the driver did not make full use of his priority. all bcoz he was told by a paramedic to drive with care. though he had the siren on but it was on a busy traffic where pedestrians are crossing the road and motorists waiting for a chance to give way.

he even made a big detour to CGH. he didnt exit at tampines ave10, which i expected, but continued on the expressway and exiting @expo. yet, he travelled on the 2nd lane @100km/h?! not even, dashing a pedestrian-free traffic. what a ambulance driver are you? i could drive better than you!

arrived @CGH A&E. time: 2035.


now, who should i to blame?
(1) ourselves for shifting to ulu sengkang in yr2000. where medical help is not at convenience
(2) the town council for not building a hospital nearby? the upcoming alexandra hospital @yishun would only be ready by 2007/8. all of their concern was to comforting the residents and confirming the frequency of commuters to the buangkok mrt stn.
(3) the calm paramedics? the rookie? the driver?

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm