jeLLy w0RLd

spooky me...

as wednesday - the 5th - was Qingming, mum's da-sao who i greet as tua-ghim, came to my house with her daughter a day before. she brought some paper money for mum.

1st thing when she saw me, asked, "did u dream of your mum?"
i: no, why?
she: ping (her youngest daughter) dreamt of her coming to our house with her elder brother (who i greet as tua-ku. passed away 2yrs ago). she asked ping for a glass of water happily as she's now the guest of her house.

my throat started to choke with tears. and, i naturally held tua-ghim's hand to the sofa. big droplets of tears flew down my cheeks uncontrollably.

i: really? how was she? happy?
she: she was happy with smiles. you shouldnt worry abt her anymore. she looked healthy and had her brother taking care of her, bringing her to my house.
i: i know. that's good if she had found someone to take care of her, accompany her. she's not alone.
she: right now, u must take care of yourself. must eat arh. mummy wants u to take care of your father and she will know everything u do. dont think too much of her, or she wouldnt come to your dream.
i: i know. when did ping dream of her?
she: i think it's on her 7th day. ping kept saying auntie asked her for a drink.

more and bigger chunks of tears flowing down my cheeks. da-ge added on... "lizhen(my da-sao) dreamt of her too. saying mummy was eating at the dining table."

more tears. heart pierced. mixed feelings.
happy: she's happy. she found her brother. had asked ping for drink. just like her usual self.
angry & sad: why didnt she come to me? i missed her so much. is it true that i missed her too much that she wouldnt want to approach me? is she really ditching me?

yesterday, i was out with shan. we chatted abt the departures of our loved ones - her grandfather and my mum. she mentioned that when the deceased came to "visit", they were usually silent, not speaking at all.

this reminded me of i did dream of mum once, which i didnt bother that was her visit. in that dream, she didnt speak to me at all. she was sitting with us in the living, watching her favourite fei yu-ching singing on tv together. that scene looked so normal that i dont give a damn, merely treated it as "i think too much of her" phenomenon.

so, which is true? ping's dream or mine?

i admitted that i was afraid in meeting my mum in the initial weeks after her departure, especially her 7th day. probably bcoz i pictured her as a dominant role in the household, when she commanded us everytime. so, i was afraid that she would scold me for some reasons.

it does take me some time to breathe. though i still sleep with windows wide-opened and the bathroom light on till next morning, now, i could and would really want to face my mum.

i was hoping to meet her sitting on my bed. i want to massage/hug her again. i want to kiss her too as i only left a kiss on the glass of her coffin.

the vocabulary of mother in my mind is getting blur. i doesnt seem to have a mother b4. or even, i'm a foreigner who stays away from homeland and would visit my mother someday when i've got holiday.

so, when will i get to see u again?

Five ways one should minister to one's parents:
Having supported me, I shall support them. I shall do their duties. I shall keep up the honour and the traditions of my family. I shall make myself worthy of my heritage. I shall make offerings dedicating the goodness of my practice to my parents after their death.
- Adapted Venerable Ajahn Sumedho's "Gratitude to Parents".

in actual fact of buddhism, there is no burning of paper money/clothing/vehicles and etc., only offerings of joss sticks, fruits in even number and vegetarian food.

now, as we have to offer prayers to mum for 49days, the priest mentioned "she is now a wanderer in the other world. u need to feed her vegetarian and not meat. vegetarian would lift her towards the paradise, as meat would bring her weight down, away from the paradise. also, to chant her prayers loud and clear everyday especially by her children, she would receive and to direct her to paradise easier."

this reminded me that i talked back to my uncle's wife abt this issue. she's a devotee who frequents the nearby temple for prayers and buddhist classes.

one day at the wake, while we (she, da-sao's indonesian mum and i) were at the table folding those paper money for mum, auntie started her preaching. well, i shall say she's kinda friendly as to exchange traditions with the indonesian's.

she (to me): u should chant prayers to ur mum everyday for 49days. she would reach paradise easier and faster this way. where paradise has no suffering. no worries of money and food.
i (feeling puzzled): so, why are we folding these paper money for? if mum gets to paradise, why does she need these money?
she (flustered): she still need these, in case, she couldnt make her way to paradise...

IN CASE... yah.. she said that.

even, phor kark see temple aka kong meng san/bright hill temple announced to public through the news that there's no burning of paper thingy in buddhism. and, had stop the selling of paper thingy from the street-vendors to the public at the temple.

so, to burn or not to burn?

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm