jeLLy w0RLd

missing me...

hasnt blog for a mth already ya?

started my course. jus survived the 5th week. completed a test and a presentation. quite satisfied with both. hopefully, would yield distinctions.

class is big. total headcount= 41. 3-quarter are malays. as young as who jus finished o'level. older ones are married and with kids already. there's even a mother with 5kids. letting me to think why are still here for? shouldnt they jus be home breastfeeding their kids?

frustrated with a mama who sits besides me.

she's too hardworking? or shall i stressed. making the procastinate me stressful too. she would jot down watever damn shit words/letters the lecturer mentioned. or draw! as in comparison, my lecture notes are soo much cleaner and neater than hers. she jus hasnt got enough of paper to write everything.

after knowing the 1st assignment due a mth later, she would ask me every week if i've finalise my research. wtf?!

eventually we grouped together with other 2malay girls for the 1st presentation. this makes me further dissatisfied working with her.

INconfident. INconfident. INconfident. as when we finalise the research, she would do more research! added more issues and other issues which are irrelevant and not important. as the presentation is merely 15min, she is afraid that she has insufficient points to talk!

nervous cracknut! keeps saying "i nervous lah. heehee. can dont present anot? heehee."

wah liew! then why are u here for?! if u are nervous now, how are u going to teach? stay home lah! i know u are nervous bcoz u haven been studying, so hav to take every word lecturer says. so, do ur revision and feel confident lah. at least, u would revise every nite and "share" with me. thx. but i dont like it!

*sigh~ 5mth more to go. a practicum in the final mth. I WILL SURVIVE!

9jun: HFMD = hand foot mouth disease. i contracted from ying who falls sick from dunno how/where. a week aft she recovered, i'm down with high fever on the morning that we gotta do prayers to mummy for the 100th day.

temperature - 39.2C. uclers in the throat. couldnt swallow water, not even own saliva. funny, only ribena! no appetite - a great way to stay fit. cant take solid food. bodyaches. i hate it!

past 2days - wedn & thurs, were devastating. i'm back to sq one. upset. depressed. cries.

the lecture content involves us to reflect on our growing life in a group. the +ve and -ve.
~ do u stay with ur parents, parents + grandparents, parents+grandparents+uncles/aunties?
~ are u the eldest child, middle child or youngest child? or only child?
~ are ur parents authoritarian, authoratative or permissive?

i broke out in the last when it's my turn to share. my parents are authoritarian - "you do what i say". when we discussed abt all the -ve, i said:~
"it's true that their discipline style is intolerant but it's eventually make us a strong person. i hated my mother so much. she wasnt that nasty when i was in primary. it was a total change when i promoted to secondary. i wondered if it was her neglected management of menopause which resulted her to abuse me verbally. naggy all day long and without any sense.
until, the day she felt sick. she praised me as a filial daughter in front of a nurse and the 2nd time, to my distant aunties. that was the most beautiful words from her. she, finally left me. that was 3mths ago..."

and, i made the other girls cried too.

till today, i'm still feeling sore.

jus this morn, i dreamt of mother. i was tailing her, for dunno wat reason. we were in a bus. she alighted at joo chiat complex while i still on the bus. i didnt get off rightaway. she went into the complex. the bus which i'm still in, is stationary. then, i saw her walking out from the bldg to the roadside, munching some snacks.
suddenly, she looked uncomfortable. as if she is choked. hand crumbling her left chest. knees fell onto the ground. i swiftly ran off the bus. held onto her - just like the actual evening. her mouth wide-opened...

i wouldnt wanna continue the dream anymore. i stopped it. cried badly onto my pillows.

i know that she's out of her defect body. she is a free and healthy soul now. i wouldnt wanna to repeat her suffering. she is not going to suffer anymore. she is happy now.

mummy, i will miss u always. thx for giving birth to me. i am sorry for what i've done to u before. i will make u proud this time.

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm