jeLLy w0RLd

nothing...

mum went marketing to grab the ingredients for dumplings instead. she bought minced pork, water chestnuts, dumplings skin and a box of Q-bite ready-made dumplings ta chew chor meng endorsed.
though i didnt go marketing myself, i prepared the food. i diced the water chestnuts, mixed with the minced pork, added light soy sauce, pepper and cornflour, and wrapped them with the dumplings skin. popped into the boiling water and VIOLA! yum yum.
felt satisfied with my 1st attempt. but mum has no comments. she ate a few of the ready-made and mine. and headed to nap.
me feeling confused. dunno to be happy or sad. bcoz there's nothing from mum. expressionless except complaining feeling "sian" again at all times.
*who would like to have a try for my dumplings?*

we are back to speechless. no further chat.
i didnt help to grind her medicines as i promised to do it yesterday. i still keep to myself. not ready to voice out. too shy. embarrassed. afraid to be rejected.
while i was watching the 9pm drama in the room with her, she couldnt get to sleep even though she taken the sleeping pill. the cough irritated her soo badly. she sat up. kept coughing. she pat her chest herself. i turned to look at her. stretched my hand to pat her back. "i dont need ur hand." is what i received.
dejected. i continued watching tv. she must have forgotten what i've said last nite. she still dont trust me.

jus counted her sleeping pills. she took another one. the 2nd of the nite.

how i wished i could experience her health. popping her pills on her behalf. to understand her feelings really. even if this could buy her trust.

i've been thinking too much. thinking how much longer she would be around? 3mth, 6mth or till end of this yr? will she survive to next? will the $3500 per mth pill pull her through? what if she really gives up surviving. her funeral. how would everyone feel? what would i be doing?...

i am sure to expect comments from friends on telling me to be strong and not to think on the negatives.
well, you dont understand.

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm