updating me...
hasnt been writing a nut here. been so long. i actually forgotten that i've one.too busy? -> yah.
too lazy? -> yah.
time files? -> yah.
getting older? -> definitely!
things changed. weather changed. my perceptions changed. i guess my personalities changed too.
i am calmer now. not crying that much whenever i think/see/say of mum. better still, not even shedding a tear anymore. but, i'm afraid one day that i might 4get her face, the touch, her figure, our bickering. bcoz i actually 4got the way i called her. i paused and think for quite a while and remembered "Mummy" when once my classmates asked how we called our mother.
had a dream sometime ago - during the IMF period. funny, isnt it? this is how it goes...
mum/dad/2bros/me were out for dinner at suntec. due to the tight security, as usual, mum gets naggy whenever she gets hungry. we couldnt get into suntec, and kept driving rounds for carpark. i wondered why must we insist to go there. finally, we parked our car. and, were walking rounds for restaurants! mum gets more naggy... but i didnt get angry as i used to be. i jus walked quietly beside her and sometimes behind her. and holding her hand.
then, i ended up sitting in a bar of table next with mum, who slurping a bowl of jap ramen. we2 actually lost walking with dad and 2bros.
da-ge called me on hp and asking where were we. and they would be coming soon to meet up with us.
once again, i turned to observe at mum's eating manner. to me, it's a pleasure now. she always perspire when eating. sweeping off those big droplets of sweat while slurping loudly and swiftly. she would put away her spectacles. THAT'S HER!
i cant remember whether i cried after that dream. but, i do feel happy seeing her again in my dream.
was it that i didnt think of her and she drops by to say something? was it i think too much and is actually my self-creation dream?
i wished someone could decipher the msg.
my relationship with that old man has died. well, i shall say silenced. i jus couldnt stand his i-am-busy attitude anymore.
he could be missing for 3weeks. no phonecall/sms to me.
so, why didnt i call him instead?
as what i learnt - self-concept is the pix children hav abt themselves, based on their perceptions and on what others tell them. in simpler form, if ppl tell u that "why u are so stupid?", u eventually accept it and grow up with it. and, when other ppl praise u, u would still feel that "i am stupid as someone said so".
so, i feel terribly whenever...
he: busy now. cant talk. call u again.
me: okie (when i really got big big news to tell/share with him...)
and, he would reply when he REALLY got the time. probably 12-48 hours later. so, will ur news be new and fresh still when he REALLY got the time? well, the above situation doesnt only happen once. it's umpteen times..
also, although he is physically with me, yet soul and mind is not. his attitute has worsen too. he would insist that news which i didnt say is from me or news which i say is not from me or why i didnt tell him. and watever...
i just dont feel like talking to him anymore. he cant give me the emotional support, not a praise, not an encouragement. in fact, IF, how would i live with such a cold-blooded him under a roof?
blah.. blah... blah...
guess i've brought these up UMPTEEN times in previous entries already. it's enough of me whining and crying...
five more days of studies to go @cecil street. and would be starting a 200hr practicum on 26oct. getting nervous more and more. crossing fingers hard that i can get the placement @changi airport. confirmation will be revealed on monday.
mummy, bless me well. i'll work hard as u still remembered that i once told u that i wanna be a kindergarten teacher (naively when i was in kindergarten).
posted by jellyfishy @ 11:51 pm
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