jeLLy w0RLd

worries more and more...

after i ended e previous entry, mum sat up on her bed. she cant sleep again. i cldnt doze off too. seeing her blurry without my glasses in e dark. watching her dozing off in sitting position instead of lying. when she awoke by her head nodding, she wld gently hammering her legs with her fists or swinging her arms out. her aching limbs again.
then mum arose from her bed; slept on e sofa in e hall instead. i've no signs of dozing off after ta. thinking wat's bothering her. worried why doesnt she want her bed.
i crept out. seeing her dozing off in sitting position again. why not lying down? so, i asked. "i want to sleep here. u go back to sleep la," she said.

back onto my bed, i'm more worried on wat's she might be thinking... also, how shd i help?... wat shd i be doing?... how to earn more $? to provide private tuition on top of asst teaching?... will i hav time for her, myself, frens, or love? probably, i shd fight alone. might meet another man whois like daddy; i dont want ta... how shd i begin to let her confide with me?...

i crept out again. seeing her dozing off in sitting position again. why again?
back onto bed with more thinking... finally, i dozed off at abt 4+am...
but awoke by her cough from e bathroom at dawn. she's brushing up. probably she wanna gets out with er-ge to buy breakfast for me, as usual. er-ge came into e room, and said not gng. she gets back on e bed, hammering and shaking out her limbs again. Zzzz...

realising ta i promised da-jie, karen to start work at 1130 sharp. but, cldnt get to shower niece myself. all i cld remb was not to be late for work, and not reminding if mum cld handle niece for e rest of e day.
during work, hoping to finish sh*t asap so ta cld entertain niece while mum gets to cook. eventually, cldnt and stayed till 6pm.

10pm, time for her medications. she stepped outta bedroom. i got ready by sitting at e dining table, waiting to serve her with her pills. however, she ranted at me. she doesnt wanna take those medications (of father's throat/nose specialist) which cost me $244.90 last sat. i'm not complaining abt e price. jus disappointed ta she has given up hope so easily.
"taken soo many times and days liao, still coughing. no effect. so expensive somemore. already got soo many pills from ttsh already. sianx lah!"
i dunno how to pacify her to take... i wished i cld take as much pills as hers now. my voice suddenly pitched low. tears falling down my cheeks. my eyes looking down. embarrassed even more when da-sao stood beside me with niece who's biting e side of dining table.
then, mum stretched her arms for ta medications. ??? it's working! my tears worked! quietly, she drowned those pills while i directed her with those 2inhalers. still, she left out e cough syrup. and i allowed. thinking ta e inhalers hav better effects.

da-sao revealed ta mum mentioned sth to her earlier this evening. mum's afraid she might collapse while carrying niece. da-sao requested if i cld start work lesser hours in jan and more from feb when she enrol niece in childcare. nodded.
why mum tell me anything yet? this brings me back...
last mth, one sunday, when everyone attended aunt's invitation @east coast chalet. i was with daddy after working last 3hrs for e contract. da-sao revealed ta mum accused er-gu e moment she sees her. accusing er-gu for inducing father, being e eldest son, to bring his late parents' tablets into our current house when shifted 5yr ago, which incurred her health to deteriot since then... i nv notice wat's written on e tablets before this.

gotta gathering dinner on friday with tp yr3 mates and sat with jas & shan. how shd i be able to enjoy when i'm not ard to monitor her medications.
at least, i'm home tml. 1st, i've to start spring cleaning. clear unsightly clutters. bring more qi.

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm