jeLLy w0RLd

stay home me...

it's another saturday, which everyone should be out to have fun with friends or partner. i was home again.

my phone didnt sound. except receiving a reply from jas who agrees to make her next monday for me.

also, received my sugar daddy's reply in the wee morn @4:13:34, saying my sms very mean. well, that sms was yesterday's afternn at around 2pm. in the last blog, i mentioned that i given him a 10min period to reply, he was damn late. late for 14hrs! maddening me more...

i wanted a companion so badly. i wanted someone to hug me tightly in the arms or allows me to lie on the shoulders. someone who could pay all his attention on me whenever together, and not jus physically. i want his emotions and mentality and SOUL! but he cant do that anymore. simply a call could make his mind drifted away and not listening to my conversation.

i know i'm still a baby. making trivial things fussy. i was already relied on him so much, became an dependent and sticky woman. i'm turning back from who i used to be, a independent one and who always abuse his feelings towards me.

i'm lost. a total loser. i initiated the call-off in the last relationship upon reaching the 26th mth. now, i've got the retribution, i got silenced. again, on the 26th mth. is this truly a coincidence or fated?

from a full timer and to a part timer for 2mths, now i shall proclaim myself as a weekend lover. we will only meet on sat/sun. but he never call or sms when i awake. he chose his business instead of me.

was flipping thru old issue of cleo and found this article, "breaking up is hard to do". it reads my case in some parts as i put them in purple. here how the story goes...

i've been with my bf for 5yrs. it's been a steady relationship and we generally dont fight or argue alot. there have been occasional big quarrels but these dont last for long and we often find ourselves back in each other's arms within 24hrs. most of our frens and relatives expect us to tie the knot soon but deep down inside, i wish he would break up with me.

in my opinion, breaking up is easy enough when the reasons involve one of the following: a 3rd party, a cheating partner or a massive clash in values or religion. in my case, since the sea of our relationship has been calm, breaking up would shock everyone - except myself.

the bf is a man of admirable tolerance and patience. in my quest to regain my singlehood, i've been irritable, and emotionally stingy, picking arguments for no reason. i love the guy but i'm jus no longer in love with him. while he thinks I'M THE ONE, i have doubts whether i will ever be prepared to settle down.

closer frens have advised me to bite the bullet and end it once and for all but they have no idea what a bitter, painful and messy affair it'd be. how do u break up when both parties are "getting along"? i can jus see his reaction - he would be stumped. and when he realises i've been plotting to break up for the longest time, resentment and hate are going to set in. i cant bear the tot of him hating me for being the "conniving bitch" who ruined his faith in womankind.

and so, my approach to this issue has typically been to try to be dumped. yes, like a man, i've chosen to take the easy way out. be as obnoxious as i possibly can so that he'll give up and ditch me. but like i've mentioned earlier, the bf is a very patient man and, short of me insulting his mother (which i'm not brought up to do), will not dump me. so my plan is to pray. you have no idea how fervently i've been praying to god for the bf to find the woman who'll love him and want to bear his children. so far, no results.

i've tot abt leaving the country and only returning home when he finally gives up on me (say after 10yr). this plan is definitely the last resort and should be attempted only when i've saved up enough $ and am very desperate.

my final solution? to find another man to steal my heart. let true love give me the courage i need to walk away from a so-so relationship. i think it's quite legit to tell him, "i'm in live with someone else and i'm leaving." but all the men i've come to know seem to be wretchedly honourable - once a girl is attached, she's off-limits. not one man has gallantly decided to come rescue me from the bf. why? tv dramas all over the world have displayed classic examples of the handsome hunk going all out to capture the heart of the beautiful woman, despite her being in a relationship. now, why cant sth like that happen to me?

then i remb this line, "if u love him, let him go." and i think i should do that. when i finally muster up the courage to sit the bf down to talk to him, perhaps he may jus agree that i dont deserve his love at all.

i shedding tears once again. i'm sick of listening to his absence, explaination and apology. how long will i need to get on my feet again? who will i meet next?

pls bless me...

posted by jellyfishy @ 11:59 pm